I’M SPITTING NAILS AND CHEWING CHAIN LINKS ABOUT BUZZING POSTAL ROBOTS!

I’M SPITTING NAILS AND CHEWING CHAIN LINKS ABOUT BUZZING POSTAL ROBOTS! - Weekly World News Skip to content GIMME BACK MY GRUMPY MAILMAN OR HAND ME MY 12-GAUGE! I’m so fired up I just chewed through a tin can and spit out a harmonica solo! The United States Postal Service – you know, the outfit that’s been losing money since the Pony Express filed for bankruptcy. Now they want to deliver your birthday card from Aunt Gladys with a buzzing, camera-eyed DRONE that looks like a mosquito on steroids! They say it’s “the future.” I say it’s the fastest way to get me arrested for turning government property into Sunday supper with a side of BBQ sauce! Picture this, patriots: You’re out mowing your lawn in your American-flag underwear, sipping a lukewarm beer, when suddenly the sky fills with a mechanical locust the size of a Thanksgiving turkey. It hovers over your porch, drops a Victoria’s Secret catalog on your welcome mat, takes a 4K photo of your bald spot for “delivery confirmation,” then zips off to ruin somebody else’s day. That ain’t progress – that’s a flying Peeping Tom with a union contract! THE GREAT OLD DAYS Back in my day, mail came courtesy of a real live human being. Usually, it was a guy named Earl who smelled like cigarettes and regret, drove a truck held together with prayers and duct tape, and knew which dogs bite and which widows bake banana bread. Earl didn’t need GPS because he’d been walking the same route since Truman was president. He waved. Earl said “Hot enough for ya?” Earl was America, dammit! But no, the pencil-neck geniuses in Washington decided Earl costs too much. So they’re replacing him with a plastic helicopter that can’t even handle rain without short-circuiting and crying for a software update. One good thunderstorm and your tax refund is doing the dead-man’s float in Mrs. Kowalski’s koi pond! And don’t think these sky-rats are harmless. The Postmaster General claims they’re “perfectly safe.” Yeah? Tell that to my cousin Leroy who alre